When life doesn’t give you what you desire
I woke up two months after graduation and realized I do not have a permanent job. It struck me so hard, because I had this life plan, that was so neatly laid out. I had it all figured out, I wanted to do my master’s degree, straight after my undergraduate degree. I wanted a job at after that and then, I wanted to be married at 27 and I also wanted to be married for three years before I get children. I had it neatly laid out, figured out and then life was like... uh sorry, you do not get to make demands and have them just fall into place. Life humbled me and I had to take a seat.
I made all these amazing plans and if anything, the life plan looked pretty well laid out. Only, I had one essential piece of the puzzle missing. Where was God in my incredible plan, where was His hand that knows all things, the hand that makes everything work together for my good? I mean, yeah the plan sounds fantastic, but what if what I laid out for my life falls so far short of the plans He has for me? The reality is that we have been programmed to believe our lives are three steps, education, job and marriage. They are all to be sequential, so that we can be deemed successful. However, how life works out is so much more than that. There are speed bumps along the way, there are curves in the road and we get lost along the way a lot of the time. However, that is okay.
It is okay that I do not have a permanent job. It is okay that I am not in a relationship. It is okay that I have as yet not pursued my masters. It is okay, because as much as I do not see it right now, things will work themselves out. They always do. As long as I am putting in what I need to put in, the work, the energy and the faith, I will be okay.
It took me so long to get here, and I am not entirely comfortable in this truth, because I am so used to pushing boundaries, I am used to having things figured out. I love knowing what I am doing now and I love to have the next step figured out. I struggled at the beginning of this year, so much so that I had a mental breakdown. I had a life plan that stated – doing masters in 2017. The moment that was not happening, I had no idea what to do with myself. I am not the type of person that plans my life with a plan B. I always have a plan A, and that is where it ends, because as far as I am concerned, it MUST work at plan A. When it didn’t, I was distraught and spent so much time crying out to God, shouting at Him, unable to comprehend why He has forsaken me. His gentle voice always telling me that He has my life in His hands.
I struggled, because it was simply out of character to trust 100%. To give my plans, my life and everything over to God, trusting that He will lead my steps. It was not until I realized that the lesson is my lack of trust in God and that is all He was trying to show and teach me. I eventually slowly, but surely let it go. I slowly was able to give everything over to Him. Hard as it was, I did it. Which is the only reason I can today wake up with a heart of gratitude, saying “God I do not know what your plans are for my life, but let your WILL BE DONE.”
And you know what? It is amazing! It is simply amazing! The liberty and freedom in not having to have it figured out is so beautiful, because I know that everything that is meant for me, will be mine. Everything that is not, shall pass me by. That is from where I derive my comfort.
It is okay! I hope that you start to let go of the things you cannot control and pray this prayer, the serenity prayer.
"God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change,
The COURAGE to change the things I can,
And the WISDOM to know the difference."
With a tad bit of crazy