I always was one to love, love wholeheartedly and unreserved. I wanted love to be beautiful, to be pure and unaltered. I believed that if I am to love, I must love with everything I have, so that if ever it doesn’t work out, I know that I loved. Love is a beautiful thing, it makes your heart come alive, your eyes grow alight and your skin radiate happiness. Until one day, I found myself with my heart in my hands, broken into pieces and I asked, why? Why does it always have to be me who wears my heart on my sleeve and my love not reciprocated?
To which God answered, “was it I that blessed your relationship?”
I sat there, dumb founded and angry. I was confused and I had all these rebuttals. I started to quote scripture, love thy neighbor as you love yourself.
To which God answered, “guard your heart with due diligence, for out of the heart flows all the issues of life.”
I decided to challenge this notion and again went for scripture, “love is patient, love is kind…” in the midst of this scripture I realized I am quoting Corinthians. Scripture that speaks on the love between a husband and a wife. Yet, I want to equate a broken relationship to the love I am meant to extend to my husband. Something that many of us are guilty of. Such that we want to cry foul play, and want to be angry at God when we went out into the world, giving the fruits of marriage to relationships outside marriage.
We give him every part of us, we tell him our secrets and share the most intimate parts of ourselves, because we love them.
There is nothing wrong with loving someone, but there is everything wrong with giving husband benefits, to a relationship outside marriage.
I can attest to being the girlfriend that cleans and cooks, because I would treat my relationships like an audition to marriage. I believed that he needed to see just how worthy I am of being his wife, and that would lead him straight to the alter. Until it struck me, I was trying to prove my worth. Trying to prove myself to someone who is supposed to see my worth without me having to double myself over showing character traits that are within and now I needed to put on display.
When you walk into a jewelry shop, the diamonds are held behind a glass case. They are not accessible to just anyone. You know it is a diamond, because you are told this by the shop attendant manning the shop. Then you will engage the shop attendant on the worth of the diamond, the carats and the size of the diamond. You do not get to wear the ring and leave the shop with it to test out whether it is really a worthy buy.
Same goes with us as females. You are a diamond that is to be hidden behind a glass case, not accessible to just anyone. You are to engage the people who come into your life wanting to be with you. Talk to them and get to know one another, understand each other’s values and morals. Ask the difficult questions and before you buy into the notion of building towards a relationship, you make sure that your foundation is laid. A relationship without a foundation, is like a house without a foundation. We hear this a lot, but we tend to find ourselves smack in the middle of a relationship and realize… wait... this is not the man I want, based of having gotten to know the person better. I am aware you never really get to know the real person outside the relationship, because many times you meet the well-groomed representative of who your partner really is, which is miles from the truth. We all do that, but morals and values will tell you a lot about a person. Taking it all the way to how they treat their exes, how they treat their mother and how they engage you. The beginning of courting is when you get the real truths, and we easily look past these things, because we are so caught up in the cute dates and flower deliveries. Yet, you always know. You always know.
The moment you look at a man and think, well... If he can change this and later that, then he will be perfect... walk honey. You are not his creator, you do not get to change him. Additionally, it is selfish to be with someone you hope to change, because they deserve to be with someone who loves them as they come. Lastly, you never find a partner who is all 100% what you seek. There will be a deficit, the question is always, is this deficit something you are willing to live with?
I have made every mistake in the book. I speak as someone who has loved and left empty. As someone who has my fair share of heart-break and have gotten it wrong so many times. I however have learnt lessons along the way. The unfortunate part is, I knew many of these things even prior to making the mistakes, but hard headed and in love with love as I am, I decided to jump off a cliff hoping and praying someone will catch. Which was my biggest mistake, hoping ANYONE will catch me. I needed to finally understand that I am worth so much that I have no business throwing myself at anyone willing to love me, because that person shouldn’t just be anyone. It should be the man God hand-picked for me. The man whose rib I have. The man who can pray for me. The man who sees the diamonds in my eyes, and doesn’t steal them, but add to them. The man who sees me as his wife. Nothing more, and nothing less.
With a tad bit of crazy