When singleness becomes loneliness
Good Morning Precious
You know how sometimes you wake up, in all your singleness glory and realize… smack! I miss attention. Yeah, like attention is a long lost cousin who you simply haven’t seen in while and can’t wait to see again. Like attention is that last slice of pizza, you left overnight in the fridge and woke up to an empty plate. Like attention is that long lost lover, whose embrace was so familiar, yet you don’t talk anymore.
That was me this morning, after having decided to go VERY single about 4 months ago, it has been a ride! I do not mean single, kind of single, but still have many potential partners texting me up. I do not mean single, yet still leading someone on who would catch offense at me speaking about being single. I mean, wake up no text, go to sleep no text from anyone telling me I am beautiful and that I should have a good night (this is not counting my very supportive friends who smother me with attention). I mean no male attention, zero form of romance and not a single girly giggle sent my way with a flutter of feelings. I mean dead smack, single! Okay! Now that we have covered how single-single can be, we can move along.
I have been writing for months about self-love and I kid you not it is amazing.
"I have enjoyed discovering parts of myself I did not know existed. I have enjoyed dates by myself. I have enjoyed long warm baths with scented candles.
I have enjoyed gifting myself. "
It has been bliss, until today... It hit month four and I woke up with the realization that I miss getting attention. I don’t mean attention as in having someone to talk to, but I mean attention as in being held and getting forehead kisses. I was never ready! It hit me like a strong wind that knocked the sails out of my beautiful self-love boat. Like I said, I was never ready.
So here I am, Queen of self-love that preaches singleness is a gift, because it is the time of your life where you get to enjoy being selfish, being selfish with your time, your love and your affection. I won’t lie, this is new territory and I am not particularly sure how to manoeuvre past this place in my life, but I do know one thing. Detoxing from a place you initially were has phases. I basically came from the glitz and the glamour of being single and I am now confronted with the bitter-sweet side. Human beings are created to love and be loved. I would be one large faux if all I ever did is sing praise and did not share on the not so glam side of things.
The reality is that these times will come, when you feel a large urge to reach out to someone, anyone who will give you attention, if to sate you desire even for just a day. The other reality is that it simply is not worth it.
It takes from all the intentional growth you have made with finding a peace in self-love. With self-love comes knowing your worth and understanding what it is you want and do not want.
Settling for temporary companionship takes from the essence of a deep rooted love that I would imagine you hope for. It is in knowing what you want and do not want that you find strength in the face of your desire for attention. It is not so much ridding yourself of what you want, but more wanting to ensure you do not water down what you are looking for in settling.
Settling for temporary companionship
Settling for temporary attention
Settling for temporary fulfillment
If here is anything I have learnt in this time of seeking to find my true self and learning to love myself, is that I know what I want and do not want.
I want a real connection that comes as a life time commitment, not a temporary sating of my feelings.
I want someone who wants to know the inner most parts of me, not someone who wants to sate their curiosity of me.
I want affection that is the overflow of love, not affection that comes from a place of loneliness.
I want someone who wants my every being, and is not satisfied with me showing up when bored.
I want someone who values their time enough to not allow me to waste it.
I want someone who will see the stars in my eyes, and will not want to put the light out of them in a temporary encounter.
Someone who wants to know me, for who I am, through the good and the bad times.
Someone who will hold my hand in the sunshine and in the storm.
It is because I know what I want, that my desire for affection will not allow me to go into anything temporary. Regardless of how I may want to, I choose discipline because the end result will be worth it.
With a tad bit of crazy