I have had some experiences in my life that have shaped who I am and the opinions I have of love. Both good and bad, because I found that every relationship I went through taught me lessons I today heed. The reason behind taking these lessons with me is to ensure that there is no repetition of past events. Interesting enough, each relationship came with it’s different set of challenges and neither one duplicated itself. My biggest mistake was allowing myself to get into a relationship on the basis of, “let’s see where it goes.” Reason being that, I in turn did not value myself enough to treat myself as the Princess and Diamond that I am. I was skidding through life, without fear of repercussions or fear of getting hurt. This in itself is a recipe for disaster and it took all these failed attempts at love to find myself here, content in solitude.
A conversation with my dad went,
Mavis I wish you saw yourself in the light that I see you. As far as I am concerned you are to be put on the top shelf, out of reach for anyone who will not put in the work or the effort to attain you. You ought to be so treasured and valued that not just anyone can have you. That is until your husband finds you.
What I failed to pick up in this conversation is that he meant to say that I should not be jumping from relationship to relationship, trying to find love or a man worthy enough for me. Rather, I am to live a life for myself, loving on me and holding myself of the highest value, till my husband finds me. I am not to spend time trying to pick apart men, trying to decipher who comes with good intention and who doesn’t, because it is not my job to find the man of my dreams, as the Bible says... He who finds a wife, finds a good thing. Not she who goes searching through a throng of men finds a good thing. No.
There was a day I was seated in church and a revelation came to me. I have for so long been listening to the song by Sinach – I know who I am. Until one day, I stopped to think, do I know who I am? Beyond the exterior and the obvious character traits that make up who I am, do I genuinely understand and perceive myself in the light of who I really am. That’s when I started searching for my purpose and trying to understand who I am to be in this world. The revelation came to me as I sat in church. The revelation came as a picture.
You know how a Princess sits under the watchful eye of her father? She sits in the castle and is sought after by her maidens. If a man wants to see the kings daughter, he does not come up to her and try pursue her, he needs to go through her father, the king. That means that only the best suitable candidate is eventually introduced to her for her approval. Not every frog and pretentious suiter gets to meet the princess, because she is highly valued and only the best of the best can be presented to her. Until such a time as she meets the one she is to marry and she is then to leave the protective home of her father, the king, and she is to go live with her husband. This is the same regard in which we as women should hold ourselves, at the top of the shelf. You are a princess who is looked after by her Father, the King who reigns the heavens. The father is to have a protective eye over you, making sure not every man who passes your way is worthy enough to pursue you.
Until we start to see our value and treasure ourselves, we will settle for unworthy men. Until such a time, when we understand that I am a Princess of the most high King and I am not available to be pursued by just anyone, we will let frogs kiss us.
I have had some gruesome experiences in my pursuit of love, some that were easily preventable had I just understood who I am. Had I valued myself more and not been so reckless, many of the scars I carry could have been prevented. However, I treasure those scars because they have brought me here. To a place where I now understand that I am not available to anyone who will have me. I am not willing to settle for anything less than what I deserve, and I deserve the very best.
This post was essentially about forgiving ones past. Letting go of the things that hurt you and allowing yourself to blossom into a beautiful radiant you. Allowing yourself to love yourself so deeply, that your mistakes become lessons and do not alter the beauty that is you. Setting yourself free of the thing that do not serve you, and setting yourself free of your past. This will in turn propel you into a future free of hurt and full of promise. Embrace who you were and allow yourself to grow into who you want to be. Journeying towards a better you.
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With all the love in the world
With a tad bit of crazy