I was shielded from life, by being in a six year relationship. He was wonderful, but unfortunately the heart-stopping, breath taking love which I knew existed in the world, did not exist between us. Out of love for each other we let each other go, this was how I came to meet the world. I was shielded in that six year relationship, because it protected me from the throng of men who are in the world, who come to steal, kill and destroy. I was incredibly naïve in my approach of men, because I believed every men to have a good heart as did, the man I was with for six years. The disadvantage in this is I found myself playing with fire more often than not. I ended up with men who were train wrecks, and I would want to see the good in their hearts. Refusing to acknowledge that perhaps this is not where I ought to be. I spent so much time searching for the good in people, I refused to believe that not everyone you meet is intended to get past hallo. With that, I found myself going from relationship to relationship without acknowledging my scars. This lead to character changes, because I never took time out to let myself heal. Convincing myself I was fine, which meant I was walking around with open wounds and collecting more as I went. I would constantly be told, you ought to take a break from dating. I wouldn’t listen, because I was convinced, if I kept going, I would eventually find the one person who will love the very parts of me that hurt. I was looking for a band aid.
What I did not know is that, no one can heal you but yourself, and it took this last break-up to believe that.
I am naturally a lover, I am naturally inclined to give love. This had me operating from an empty well, deprived myself I kept looking to give love, hoping to fill the void I carried. I was hurting and bleeding from the inside, yet I kept going without allowing myself time to heal. This in turn had me attracting men who too were hurting inside. My relationships became about co-dependency and not love itself. However, co-dependency to a person hurting can very easily be mistaken as love. Yet, a part of you knows that this isn’t it, a still voice constantly whispers, get out. Yet leaving is harder, because the fear of being alone binds us to where we are.
I was binded, I was afraid and I desperately wanted to be loved. These three things will have anyone running havoc in their lives, because everyone wants to be sheltered from feeling shackled. The truth is, that there is no going over it, around it or under it. There is only one route and that is through it. If you have been hurt, you have to go through the healing process. This does not come with getting into another relationship, it only comes with solitude. You could be in the third relationship and hurting from the first, and until you stop to heal, the wound won’t close up. I know everyone deals differently, and there isn’t only one route is to healing, but I do know one thing, you have to go through it.
The relationship that hurt you, the person who betrayed you, the friend who lied to you or whichever that has you hurting has to be healed. Wounds that are left open, turn into bitterness. They change who you are, leave you acting out of character and breed insecurity. Trust me, I would know. You get to a place where you no longer recognize yourself and have to take several steps back to comprehend how you got here.
The journey of healing is not for anyone but yourself. In healing you have to forgive, and some things are unforgivable, but necessary to forgive. It is the only way to heal and the only way to set yourself free of your past. You have to go right back, revisit the areas, work through them and forgive.
The hardest thing to do is forgive yourself, but the first step is forgiving those who hurt you. This is to be followed by forgiving yourself. You can take your time and allow yourself to go through the process. Just do not let the past influence your future and rob you of an opportunity to be genuinely happy, without restraint and without wounds.
I will not lie to you and tell you it will be easy. I will however tell you it will be worth it. The liberty waiting for you at the end of the road is worth every single tear you will cry, every single ounce of anger you will feel and every single drop of bitterness you will have leave your body.
At the end of it all, you will be glad you worked through the baggage, because the person who will emerge will have scars, but will have found themselves again.
Forgiving them is not about them, it is about you.
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With all the love in the world
With a tad bit of crazy