Where have you been?
Where have I been? I have been hiding, so engulfed in fear that it makes absolutely no logical sense! I have been going through so much metamorphosis I am sure that if I was born a caterpillar, I would be a full grown butterfly. Last year this time we were talking about wearing our skin and learning to comfortably be the authentic you. With all the flabby skin, the not so flat tummy that just won’t go away, the blemished skin that just won’t let you flourish and the job opportunities that just won’t present themselves. I mean, when you enter a new year it is kind of mandatory to look back and ask yourself, well?
Did you? Did you grow into your skin and learn to love yourself wholesomely?
Yes! Yes I did. It hurt like crap though, because it means that I had to stare myself dead in the eyes and make peace with my flaws, confront my fears and address my shortcomings. I hated it. Every second of learning to look at myself in the mirror and love the roundness of my stomach. Every second of learning to go with less make-up and embrace the blemishes. Every second of learning to go to bed, without seeking a goodnight message from a man. And I did it. I did it all. I did it, and I bossed it! I mean I went so hard that there was no time to look back at the comfort I was coming from and go back to what I deemed familiar. No sweetheart, I literally peeled off everything I used to hide behind and threw away the crutches.
In most cases it was a whole lot of crazy from cutting my hair, walking away from toxic relationships, working out and leaving my engineering job. Here we are doing what we love and we are living life on the edge.
Scary, but doing it.
So, yes. 2018 was a whole lot of self-loving and growing into my skin even when it wasn’t comfortable. It was hard, crap, it was harder than I let onto anyone. I am just glad that that is done. I did the hard part which is digging the foundation and this year we lay it. We came from a place of uncertainty and finally accepted who I am.
"I am imperfect and that is okay."
I have some habits that need booting and that is okay. It is okay to be authentically you. It does not take away from becoming a better you. It just means that right here, right now, I am okay with who I am. I can work towards a better self, and I will love that better self in the future. However, the here, the now, deserves my love as is.
Why have I been afraid, I have been afraid of that very fact. Afraid that this new found love is temporary and that I will fall. I have been afraid of being on the other side of the self-hate cliff. Weird right? Because you would think that that’s where I should be most comfortable. Nah ah. When one has grown comfortable in hating parts of you, loving them is scary. It is leaving the comfort of what you perceived your normal and garnering a new reality. However, it will be done. It is being done. Right now, right here. This is the year of running towards everything that scares us witless.
“Change is scary, but regret is worse.”
I hope you have grown this past year with me. Here is to another year of walking together, crying together and doing some pretty stupid things! I am ready! Are you?
As we leave behind the Powerhouse, no longer giving what is to be fueling us,
From Fearless Queen to another