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Sometimes, you are the problem

Updated: Feb 26, 2020

The thing about evolving and becoming a better version of yourself is that there’s always room for improvement. We are now in an age where one cannot plead ignorance to be the basis to which you hold an opinion. Technology is fast evolving and information is now at our fingertips. We find that all it takes is curiosity and google becomes your best friend.

For generations the concept of – it is just who I am – was deemed acceptable. One could get away with explaining your background, the environment in which you grew up and the genes you carry as the basis of explaining the toxic traits we possess. So much so that, we rarely stopped to try understand ourselves enough to determine the areas in our lives that need work and can be improved. Be it character traits, living conditions or ambitions. Coming out of an era where women stayed in abusive relationships due to economic emancipation has created conversations which were shoved under the rug for years. Where a conversation about abuse used to be solely centered around physical abuse, we are now moving into a time where we can speak about emotional abuse and mental health problems. The world continues to grow and shift, which creates room for studying toxic masculinity and uprooting it. With every area in which we see growth, there too is room for us to grow in self.

Self-love used to be a conversation that was about individuals who are single and not in relationships. Only, we now understand that it is no ones job to love and fulfil you, but yours alone. No one person can love you if you cannot love yourself. No one person can fulfill you, if you are not whole by yourself. I recall a Youtube video I watched by TD Jakes, that highlighted that people who walk around broken and need to constantly lean on people can only lean on people for so long, before even the people get tired. He further explained how, any one person can pick up someone and they feel light, however as time passes, they start to feel heavy. The same sentiment extends to people. Any person can take on your load and broken pieces, however as time progresses, the load starts to weigh them down. It is not the duty of anyone to carry someone. Companionship is intended to have two people come together and walk a journey together. Without one needing to be carried by another.

This is not to say that there will not be times you need to lean on each other as you go through the trials and tribulations of life. It, however, is essential that when two people come together, each one of you are able to walk on your own. It allows you to come together as two whole people.

Many of us stay wondering why things do not work out or why you cannot seem to find the perfect partner. Many times the person you are intended to be with is standing right at the door, waiting for you to take the time you need to heal.

Do not allow yourself to continuously run from who you are, hoping someone can carry your burdens. It is not fair towards them, nor is it fair towards you.

Trust yourself enough to heal you, because sometimes, you are the problem.

Stop blaming everyone around you and start taking accountability for your actions. I say this with love.

With love,



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