Alright, can we pause for a second and just have a real sit down talk about relationships. I know we are all driven and focused on growing into the better versions of ourselves, but we are not about to act like we are not all-rounded individuals, with feelings and relationship DRAMA for the most part.
Although, I want this blog to be your go-to when you feel like you are starting to slack on your goals and ambitions, and when you feel like your self-development has hit a slump, I also want you to be able to come here when things are not looking up in other areas of your life.
So, in efforts to allow an all-rounded relationship on this blog and insight into my thoughts, I thought to share on the 5 things relationships have taught me...
5 Things Relationships have taught me
1. A broken person can't formulate a whole relationship
We tend to want to find a hero in our partners, we want them to become everything we need, when we need it. Not understanding, that although you come together as partners who are supportive of one another, and very present, you have to maintain your individuality. The moment you are unable to live a life that does not involve your partner at every turn and corner, you are dangerously close to co-dependency.
Generally, when one wants to be co-dependent, there's a place inside us that is lacking and needs to be affirmed and validated. As a result, in the validation from your partner, you become addicted to it and cling to your significant other.
Indicator Red Flags - that will tell you when you are becoming co-dependent
You no longer feel like doing things with anyone other than your partner.
You want to spend every waking minute with your partner.
You give up the things that used to make you happy and you no longer have time for your hobbies, friends and family.
Your mood is heavily affected by the state of your romantic relationship.
You feel alone when your partner is not available.
You want to be able to control your partner's whereabouts, friend choices and life.
2. People will always do what makes them happy
This was very difficult to learn, in that, I always assumed that human decency and courtesy would dictate how people respond and treat any given situation.
I later learned that the thing that dictates most people is their pursuit of happiness. Most people will choose their happiness any day over that of another, which I learned is okay.
When one is confronted with the possibility of cheating, one person may choose their partner at that moment and another may choose the pursuit of happiness at that moment, regardless of how brief.
When someone else would be able to tell their partner they are no longer interested when their feelings expire, another will choose to linger in a relationship on the basis of getting constant validation, love and approval from someone they will not reciprocate it to. Not because they can not, but because they choose themselves and what makes them happy over what is the right thing to do.
The thing I learned is that, how people behave and act in their pursuit of happiness is on them, it is not your job to try to change them or have them realize their flaws. The only thing you are responsible for is your reaction, in that when people choose themselves and show you the level at which they value you, you choose yourself in return and remove yourselves where you are not wanted or valued.
In the famous words of my friends - never let someone show you they do not want you TWICE.
3. You teach people how to treat you
When you set out your list of the things that are important to you to have in a partner, do you evaluate whether you possess the traits you seek? If it is respect you want, do you give respect? If it is understanding that you want, do you give understanding? If it is the compassion you seek, are you compassionate?
I found that I was so quick to have an extensive list of what I deemed important in a partner, never applying the same analogy myself. You cannot ask of someone, what you are not willing to give. Meaning that if you act with disrespect towards your partner, shout at them, have jealousy rages and speak down on them, you are inevitably setting the tone for how your interactions will be.
However, when you give what you want to receive, that is the leg on which you stand to be able to ask for the same return. You set the tone of how you will be treated based on what you deem of importance, you teach people how to treat you by what you accept and by what you will not accept.
4. Take accountability, you are not always right
We have all been brought up in different households, we have different beliefs and have different views on life. Thinking that your perspective is always right, leaves little room for mutual understanding and compromise. It also insinuates that views outside of your own could never be right. It makes one unteachable and difficult to get along with because opposing views will be met with contempt.
Becoming teachable and openminded allows for two people to come together and formulate what works for both. In that, not one person is always right and that you will have to decipher what works for you as a couple.
The mistake I made early on in life is not realizing that people are different, I incorrectly assumed we would all hold the same position on matters and as a result would find myself shell shocked at the opinions of others or their reaction to matters.
Once you understand that people are different and have different views on life, you are better able to navigate life and relationships.
5. No matter how many times you get it wrong, do it again!
The question, "how many talking stages do you have left in you?", comes from the simple fact that after some failed relationships, you simply do not have it in you to want to go through the process of getting to know someone again, nevermind learning their character.
To that, I say, no matter how many times you have your heart broken, love is a beautiful thing and you owe it to yourself to try again until someday, you meet the person who will be worth it.
In the same vein, when you find yourself tired from heartbreak, allow yourself the time of rest. To sit out dating, and work on yourself. To heal the broken places and to ensure that you do not walk around broken, hoping to find someone who will FIX you. You owe it to yourself to be at the forefront of healing yourself, you owe yourself that much.
However, love is a beautiful thing and deserves to be felt again. No matter how many times have been hurt, you will learn to love again. You just need to trust that you will.
From one Powerhouse to another
Find me on Twitter - @MavisBraga