I got hurt.
Yeah, I mean hurt. I mean it in its truest form yet. I believed that this time will be different. I believed that I could have the broken pieces of me, mended. By him. This is because he came looking like everything I needed at that point in time. He was all was adorable, sweet and caring. If anything it seemed just about what I needed to get myself out of the rut in which I found myself. When he offered companionship, I took it. When he offered healing, I took it. When he offered love, I took it. In truth, there was nothing wrong with finding yourself with a broken heart and offering it to someone else to fix it. There was just one problem, it was not his job to fix it. It was mine.
There is something incredibly selfish towards yourself to not trust yourself enough to heal you. The reality is that you have everything you need, within yourself, to heal you. You are designed that way, you are designed to be able to bounce back from falling because the body is designed to heal itself.
Because I did not trust myself to be able to heal what is rightfully mine to heal, my heart, I gave that duty and trust to someone else. Without the understanding that humans are flawed and although they can start off with great intention and every intention to help you heal, it just doesn’t happen that way.
Operating from a place of hurt, is operating from a place of lack. There is a lack from within that is begging to be filled and that only leaves you craving for that filling. That craving manifests itself in how you operate from henceforth, and toxic behaviour become a reality. What was intended to be a healthy relationship soon turns toxic, because the brokenness is manifests itself in that form.
It is human nature to seek companionship in times of hurt and not solitude, because the easiest would be to find someone who can ease the pain, even if just for a little bit. It however only works for a little while before you realize that fully healing can only come from within.
What generally happens is, that companionship you went to use as a buffer to ease the pain, doesn’t last and you find yourself straight back where you left off. Having to heal every area of yourself and if that’s where you find yourself, welcome back Powerhouse.
I had to remind myself of why I’m doing this self-love, self-healing journey. I had genuinely forgotten, because when things start to look better we find ourselves going back to the toxic habits we were unlearning. I woke up on Saturday morning feeling suffocated. I could not understand why I had chosen to live this life of self-care and solitude, and my automatic response was I want to LIVE. I want to stop caring so much, I wanted to stop measuring my self-love growth and go out to do reckless things. I couldn’t understand why? Why go through the healing when it is so much easier to just be and let life take its course.
Because, I care. Because I have gone through life blindly before. Self-medicating with relationships, self-medicating with companionship, and neglecting the love I ought to feel for myself first and foremost. I may have come to a place where it gets tiring, because when Valentines approaches we just want to be loved, which is where it was all coming from. However, I don’t forget why I chose to be alone simply because I see hearts and teddy bears all around me. No, I remain strong in what I set out to do, which is love myself FIRST, before I can teach someone else how to love me.
I know it’s valentines and it may be a hard Wednesday for you, but the good news is YOU HAVE YOU. How about you have yourself an amazing day, go out with your girlfriends and dress up. I mean put on your best dress, do your hair and look like a WHOLE SNACK! There is no need to wait to be treated well and have the valentines of your life, you can give that to yourself. Go out today and remind yourself why all this is worth it in the end.
''Happy self-loving! It may get tiring, but we don’t quit. Rest! Never quit!
From one Powerhouse to another,