I struggle. I struggle to find balance in my life. I have become so accustomed to having everything together that it drives me near insane when I have to admit that I have an area of weakness. It is usually very easy to walk past the thing that weighs you down, because you can almost pretend it is not there. You keep turning a blind eye and sometimes it feels like it is not there. I am literally struggling to write this piece right now, because it is a level of vulnerability that makes me incredibly uncomfortable. This morning before I started writing this I prayed that God would lead my steps and that I would write straight from my heart. Yet, I struggle. I struggle to be honest with this because it is the one place of my life that is a constant mess. You know how you generally have much of your life together, may not be all the way perfect but you have somewhat made peace with where you are in life. You have made peace with the pace at which you are, yet there is that one area of your life you would rather keep in a dark room, so as to ensure that when the world looks at you, they see the parts of you that you want them to see and the broken areas you keep in a tightly locked place that no prying eyes can see. I am no different.
The one thing I avoided writing about is relationships. I thought this is because it is a whole lot easier to write about the things I do know and I can relate to. Self-love is one of those topics that come easy to me because I grew obsessed with learning how to love myself. Yet, I was not writing about what brought me to that place of needing to pour into myself. Well, take a wild guess. MEN!
The reason why writing about men and relationships is so hard for me is because I get it so wrong. For some they find the person they will love for the rest of their life as early as high school and I genuinely in all truth believed that I would too. I, for as long as I could remember, believed that I would fall inlove once and that would be it. Only I was wrong. Okay, I thought, if not the first time the second time then. Wrong, again. Alright, twice bitten but not so shy, I tried a third time. Wrong, again. This took me to a very fragile place, because I did not want to be the sort of person who has been in so many relationships it simply taints you. In the end, I wanted to be the sort of person who had one or two partners prior to marriage. Yet, what happens when you find yourself on the other side of it all and simply cannot seem to make the puzzle fit.
I have always loved attention. This is no secret to anyone who knows me. I have always wanted to be in a stable relationship because I have so much love to give. Life just doesn’t happen that way I guess and that is how this blog was born. That is how I came about living out my life through words and hoping that the words can touch someone.
I kept pouring my soul out into my writing because I wanted to wash myself clean of the love I poured out into the wrong people. I wanted to pour out so that maybe, if I poured out I wouldn’t have to think about how much I truly wanted someone to pour into me. I forgot in the midst of all of that, that no man can pour out of an empty cup. I kept hoping that if I poured into people that somehow, somewhere – someone would realize that I too needed my cup filled. The problem with this is that it is not healthy. The thing that many of us do is try heal our own wounds without needing to have them seen by anyone. You hope that by getting on by and ensuring that you keep pushing, someone may just notice and help you heal without you needing to say a word. We look for people who can soothe out wounds without us having to expose them – we deem them people that simply understand us. If anything that is the most selfish thing you can do to yourself. Cover up your wound and expect them to heal behind a band aid.
Three things you should not do:
Do not cover up your wounds – There is no shame in having broken places. There is no shame in not getting it right the first time, or the second time or the third time. The only thing I want you to know is that healing allows you to grow. You cannot grow without healing first. Exposing the wounds to someone you trust does not show weakness. It take a great deal of courage to be able to be able to admit you do not have it all together. You are scared of where your future is going. You are allowed to be poured into as well. Allow yourself vulnerability, because His strength is made perfect in your weakness.
Do not keep pouring from an empty cup – Fill your cup. Allow yourself to be the one that needs to be filled, fed and healed. Allow yourself to be the receiver and be verbal about it. We tend to keep quiet when we need people the most. Shying away from people and locking ourselves up in our rooms or just saying we need some time alone or away from people. Sometimes that is true, other times you are running from people. You are afraid that if someone was to look into your heart they would see just how broken it is. That is usually when you need love the most. Ask for it and allow your cup to be filled.
Do not choose silence – The easiest way to go through anything hard is usually by being silent. It means that you do not have to face your worries. You do not have to speak about how much it hurt and you do not have to try articulate what you are feeling. It is easier, but it hurts you more. Teach yourself how to speak up about what hurts you, liberate yourself because sometimes you need another perspective. Speak sweetheart and watch the chains break free.
The worst feeling in life is feeling alone because men are not born to be alone. Feeling alone can drive one into a very toxic mental state. It makes a problem fester and infect other areas of our lives. Sometimes the key lies in talking, telling someone how much it hurts. If you aren’t fond of talking to people, try talking to God.
I feel lost. My feet are failing to find the path you have long since laid out for me before I was formed in my mother’s womb. I need you to take control of my life and lead my steps. I do not want to walk if my steps are not lead by you. Unshield my eyes and let me see where I need healing. Lead my steps to how I should heal those areas. Father, today I want to feel your love and hope pour into my heart. I want to know that you are working on me, working through me and working all things together for my good.